Court and Snark

Most boring Asian politician in San Francisco enters mayor's race, ruins chances for other boring Asian candidates

I'm sure you've all heard the news that Board of Supervisors President David Chiu is officially running for mayor.

Dude, I'm getting bored just thinking about all of the boring stories everybody's going to write about the Most Boring Asian Candidate with the Most Boring Campaign Ever.

The only interesting thing about Chiu's campaign is that he's going to be talking about Twitter on the campaign trail. Maybe all this talk about Twitter will encourage him to update his own account, if he even knows the password.

As a self-made shillionaire who shills to pay the bills, I know a ghost in the machine when I see one. Unless Chiu posts something totally inapprops, I'm going to assume it's a staffer/robot. Not that there's anything wrong with robots, because I love robots.

Or maybe he is updating it himself, and his tweets come off as predictable, calculated and boring because David Chiu himself is predictable, calculated and boring. Hmmm...

Asian politicians are boring by default. Despite being Asian myself, I rarely attend Asian events. I am not involved with any Asian Democratic clubs. 

I don't like to join Democratic clubs in general because I don't like to attend meetings that do not provide any or all of the following: free booze, free food, iPhone service to check Twitter, male strippers.

At least State Senator Leland Yee spices it up a bit by being a shameless opportunist with an *alleged* (calm down!) penchant for hookers, shoplifting, and non-consensual non-monogamy. 

Who does Leland Yee think he is, Willie Brown?

(Disclaimer to prevent lawsuits: I could be totally wrong about the last part; maybe he and his wife have an open marriage and Mrs. Yee is secretly boning a twenty-something gardener on the side.)

The Artist Formerly Known as Supervisor Facebook Endorses David Chiu for Mayor

Hey, I'm just happy to see Supervisor Eric Mar supporting something that doesn't involve banning stuff that people can do/buy legally anywhere else in the Bay Area.

For example, Happy Meals are still available for purchase in Daly City, and our city happily welcomes money from stupid parents with stupid children who eat bad food Eric Mar doesn't like.

I'm not sure if you can smoke indoors in Daly City or other parts of San Mateo County (I'm sure George Calys knows this, but I have no clue because I don't smoke), but I don't think anybody would care. We're too busy pretending to be shocked about the city council lady who got convicted for insurance fraud.

Cousin Chris Daly acts as Parent Police, insults mothers and childless women alike by breathing

Last week, the beautiful and talented Erika McDonald and I went to Daly's Dive. This was Erika's first time at Cousin Chris Daly's bar, and she wanted to see what all of the Hack Parade fuss was about. After finishing her first glass of Captain Outrageous, she went back to the bar to order a second.

Cousin Chris' response to her order should have been “right away,” “sure,” or some other acceptable response. Instead, Cuz said this:

“Where are your children?”

Um, where are your children, Cousin Chris?! I don't have kids, but I know where my fake gay son (aka The Hoff) is from reading his Twitter, Facebook, and/or texts he sends me every couple hours.

Being a bartender with two kids who live in the suburbs doesn't give you license to dish out parenting advice to mothers with young children who live in San Francisco, who find next-door neighbors to take care of said children for 3 hours in San Francisco.

Children are not hard to track down, except for that episode of the Twilight Zone where the little girl fell into a portal behind her bed, sending her into another dimension, and her parents had to call some physicist dude to help pull her out. (That physicist was obviously on drugs.)  

Red Baron continues reign of terror, monopolizes time of the Most Important Woman in Noe Valley

The Red Baron will not rest until he stinks up every dark corner of the internet, sucks the air out of every neighborhood Democratic club meeting, and pumps every activist for intel while they're trying to get drunk at Daly's Dive.

RB is determined to be the biggest hack to ever hack in the history of the Hack Parade. He's worse than Rick Hauptman!

If there's an “event” for him to “cover” with his iPhone, he will be there. If there's a blog post for him to comment on that's remotely related to SF politics, he will detonate a bomb in the comment section.

If there's an empty bar stool next to you, he will trap you into a conversation about something you totally don't want to talk about with a creeper who spills drinks on young ladies (read: abuses alcohol) and pees on himself while talking to billionaires.

His latest victim was Karen Babbitt, also known as the Most Important Woman in Noe Valley (to me, anyway). When someone mentions Karen Babbitt and Noe Valley in the same sentence, I tell them: “Karen Babbitt is Noe Valley, people!”

Because of her status as Most Important Woman in Noe Valley, and his status as the Most Incontinent Creeper in San Francisco, the Red Baron struck up a conversation with Karen about the Noe Valley Democratic Club. She suffered through the entire exchange before realizing she'd just been terrorized by the Red Baron.

Listen, RB: as someone who considers myself one of your closest friends, I'm going to advise you not to carry on like this. It's creepy. SF politics is like the Wild West and the standard rules of “networking” do not apply.

You either belong in the scene or you don't. Stop trying so fucking hard.

Self-referential headlines you don't need to read

If Elaine Santore insists on drinking yerba mate out of a gourd while shopping for yerba mate in the Mission, she should learn how to speak Spanish

Last week, while I was buying a bag of yerba mate in the Mission, a very nice older gentleman starting talking to me in Spanish and I had no clue what he was talking about (high school Spanish FAIL).

But I could understand the part where he was asking me where I was from (“Bolivia? Paraguay?”). As usual, I answered “here,” because I am from here. He was very helpful and recommended the strongest mate available, which I bought.

Maybe I should borrow Big Brother's Rosetta Stone Spanish. I know he's not using it because he's too busy with his Fantasy Team. The Fantasy Team is the new blog because nobody gives a fuck about your Fantasy Team.

Or I can be like Jordan and learn Spanish by reading Ricky Martin's biography in Spanish.

Paul Hogarth wants Chris Daly to host karaoke nights/auditions for Drag Queen Roommate at Daly's Dive

No real story there, just wanted to make an announcement because this is my fucking website you're reading.

I know what you're thinking: “Stop trying to make Drag Queen Roommate happen, Elaine!” Whatevs, you know SF would collectively jizz itself if there was a band called Drag Queen Roommate playing at Noise Pop. 

Elaine Santore went to Saint Ignatius

Not a big deal or anything. I just wanted everybody to know I'm smart and really important.

Elaine Santore does NOT pander to local politicos

They pander to my ass. Where have you been?

Song Dedication to Aaron Peskin

In honor of Sunday's Grammys, I'm going to dedicate Lady Antebellum's "Need You Now" to San Francisco's most (in)famous drunken dialer, DCCC Chair Aaron Peskin. (I'll be back to posting Joni next time!)

Reblogging Willie Brown: "Twitter Telegraph" Edition

Not one to let himself fall behind the times, Willie Brown opened Sunday's column with a reference to Twitter:

The town's Twitter telegraph is alive and well, as I found out while dining at North Beach Restaurant's window table the other night.

I was with Jeffrey Snyder, Rose Pak, Jack Baylis, my friend Sonya and our new mayor.

We hadn't been there 30 minutes before Aaron Peskin walked by.

A few minutes later, in pops Board of Supervisors President David Chiu.

Exactly what is a "Twitter telegraph," Willie? Did you mean a Twitter List, or a Twitter Feed?

Or maybe Willie assumed someone gazed at that amazing collection of Bold Faced Names in the window of North Beach Restaurant and immediately tweeted about it. 

He would also be assuming Peskin and Chiu are active on Twitter and/or Facebook (no, not really), or logged onto this fabled "Twitter telegraph" and read that Willie Brown Inc. was at North Beach Restaurant (read: eating and waiting for somebody to notice him).

A quick search of the terms "Willie Brown" and "North Beach Restaurant" on Search Twitter, during the possible dates of this chance encounter yielded no results on my end.

Nobody was tweeting about you at North Beach Restaurant, Willie Brown. Did it occur to you that Chiu and Peskin were both in the neighborhood, which also happens to be in their district?

But I will give Willie props for name-dropping one of my most famous superfans, District 5 Supervisor Ross Mirkarimi:

I had a conversation with Ross [Mirkarimi] the other day. 

I went in thinking we were going to talk about his running for sheriff. By the end of the call, I was convinced he's running for mayor.

This would be news if Uptown Almanac hadn't already written about it on February 9th.

Between public financing for campaigns and ranked-choice voting, where second, third or even lower-placed candidates have a shot, everyone can be a winner.

Or at least eat well.

Believe it or not, the city will triple or so whatever money you raise for the campaign.

That's a better return than Bernie Madoff was offering.

Do you have access to some sort of campaign-finance black-box for the 2011 mayoral race, Willie? 

Because I wouldn't be surprised if there was a wonk churning out algorithms in a dark basement as we speak. They could also create similar algorithms for candidates and ranked-choice voting.

Technology of that nature could make most of the SF media hacks, pollers, analysts, pundits, lobbyists, consultants and bloggers obsolete. Wall Street has already been taken over by computers; City Hall cannot possibly be far behind. 

And who doesn't love robots?

Red Baron Sighting

The Corsican Ogre spotted the Red Baron himself downtown on Friday. Naturally, he tweeted about it.

In a completely separate incident, a reader sent me this photo, taken on the corner of Haight and Baker. 

Of course, it could all be a coincidence.

More Robots!!!

I'm going to close with a clip from my favorite robot movie "The Day the Earth Stood Still" (the 1951 version).

A Bunch of Hacks Sitting Around Talking About Twitter

Every hack in SF seems to have an opinion about whether or not the City of San Francisco should be giving a tax break to Twitter. 

Even progressive hacks who don't understand Twitter are writing super-angry, self-righteous Facebook status updates about it. (I know this because I've been hiding all of them in my News Feed.)

You hear that, Twitter?! The Hack Parade is NOT going to take this shit sitting down! They are mad as hell, and they're not going to take it anymore! 

Progressives are so angry that they're taking time out of their busy schedules of posting blog comments and watching SFGov while drunk/stoned (hey, Uncle h.!) to write angry Facebook status updates about how much Twitter sucks.

Cousin Chris Daly is fucking irate at you, Twitter! You are totally encroaching on Mid-Market, which everybody knows belongs to Chris Daly. Chris Daly and his bar for Hack Parade circle-jerks will singlehandedly save Mid-Market. 

No need to intervene with your little start-up (read: evil 2000-era Dot-Com that will ruin everything), Twitter. Daly's Dive has it covered, thankyouverymuch. 

Never mind that Cuz had ten years to clean up the area when he was a supervisor. He was too busy writing Facebook updates during board meetings and IMing with Cousin Elaine Santore, people!

When asked about a specific plan for Mid-Market, he argued that SF should invest in the residents of Mid-Market. (Whatever that means.) Then Chris ignited his army of 692 followers by creating a Twitter petition targeted at Supervisor Jane Kim. 

If an online petition doesn't light a fire under Twitter CEO Dick Costolo's ass, I don't know what will. I'm sure Costolo tosses and turns at night thinking about what Cousin Chris thinks of his (estimated) $8-10 billion company. 

I know for certain that Mayor Ed Lee and Jane Kim are losing sleep over Chris' angry tweets. Can some nerd out there check if Ed Lee and Jane Kim are even following @superdaly? Just curious.

And if that wasn't enough pressure, the Voice of the Progressive Gawd, aka Bruce Brugmann (who doesn't have a Twitter account, but somebody created a fake one for him) has some strong opinions about Twitter himself:

"Under the Twitter proposal, big companies with big payrolls would get a break and small businesses would get nothing. (Black Rock LLC, which runs Burning Man, is also looking at space in Mid-Market, and the city's not offering that outfit — which employs 30 people and has an annual payroll of $3 million — any tax breaks.)" - Bruce Brugmann

Wow, another opportunity for the SFBG to reference Burning Man. Sorry, Bruce, but a $3 million company with thirty employees is not comparable to Twitter. 

I think Twitter should get the tax breaks, but I would be surprised to see Twitter stay in San Francisco for more than a couple years before making the inevitable move to the South Bay (like Facebook in Menlo Park and YouTube in San Bruno) because it's cheaper on our side of the bay. (650 represent!)

The majority of Mid-market consists of abandoned, blighted storefronts. A big company like Twitter would create more foot traffic to the area later at night. It would also encourage businesses to open coffee shops, restaurants and bars to accomodate Twitter employees.

According to Adriel Hampton, there are already a couple projects underway in the Mid-Market area:

"Real estate titan Angelo Sangiacamo, in a deal brokered by bellicose former Supervisor Chris Daly, is well underway with transformation of a low-rent lodge into a Miami nights-inspired condo complex. Fox Plaza, where my office is, will eventually get a new second tower, and there are new signs of life with a hip coffee and wine bar kitty corner from Twitter’s presumed HQ and an Andersen Bakery opened up in our lobby in just the past few months."

Conclusion

The Hack Parade doesn't like Twitter because it doesn't give them the constant validation and stalker capabilities of Facebook. They also cannot contain their cray-cray into 140 characters.

Bottom line: ignore the Hack Parade and listen to Elaine Santore. Say "Fuck Yeah" to Twitter's Tax Break and "Fuck No" to the Hack Parade retards who write useless Facebook updates and blogs to talk shit about Twitter. 

Song: "Trouble Child" by Joni Mitchell

Up in a sterilized room
Where they let you be lazy
Knowing your attitude's all wrong
And you got to change
And that's not easy
Dragon shining with all values known
Dazzling you-keeping you from your own
Where is the lion in you to defy him
When you're this weak
And this spacey

So what are you going to do about it
You can't live life and you can't leave it
Advice and religion you can't take it
You can't seem to believe it
The peacock is afraid to parade
You're under the thumb of the maid
You really can't give love in this condition
Still you know how you need it

They open and close you
Then they talk like they know you
They don't know you
They're friends and they're foes too
Trouble child
Breaking like the waves at Malibu

So why does it come as such a shock
To know you really have no one
Only a river of changing faces
Looking for an ocean
They trickle through your leaky plans
Another dream over the dam
And you're lying in some room
Feeling like your right to be human
Is going over too
Well some are going to knock you
And some'll try to clock you
You know it's really hard
To talk sense to you
Trouble child
Breaking like the waves at Malibu

"I was nice to you; don't torture me for it." - The Social Network

I'm probably the last person on the internet, and the last social media professional (got the checks and contracts to prove it, bitches!), to see The Social Network. I watched it with Dad last weekend, and I realized why I don't go to very many movies anymore:

1. I talk to the screen, not unlike a black person. Ex: during The Social Network, I said "Right?!" out loud about every five minutes. I am obnoxious inside a movie theater, so I can only attend movies with very close friends and relatives because they love me and find this endearing. The rest of the population? Not so much. It's a lot worse when I've had a few drinks.
   
2. I have trouble sitting still for over an hour. Frequent pauses for snacks, wine/beer refills, and bathroom breaks are a Santore trait.
   
3. My enthusiasm about seeing Justin Timberlake act in a mainstream movie where he doesn't embarrass himself and/or our entire generation would be too much for the average moviegoer. ("Where's Justin?!" "Justin is amazing!" "Oh my God, I love him!")
   

Anybody who knows me knows how I feel about Facebook. I have been on Facebook for about six years now. My relationship with Facebook has outlived all of my romantic relationships, and a lot of my friendships, too.

After graduating college in 2005, I found out that the guy I was quasi-dating (this was before "It's Complicated" was provided as an option) no longer wanted to see me anymore, simply by seeing him change his relationship status. Naturally, I blocked him, then unblocked him a couple years ago. Now we're Facebook friends again.

My so-called expertise about Facebook has made me a "guru" among my close friends and family who are newer to Facebook. Their Facebook crises remind me of my college days: obsessing about Facebook relationship statuses; de-tagging drunk photos immediately after last night's party; friendship request snubs; joining random groups for no reason (I used to start about two new groups a week during finals).

A lot of scenes in The Social Network resonated with me, especially the breakup scene between Erica and Mark in beginning of the film (my first reaction: "I thought Zuckerberg only dated Asian girls?"). Erica basically tells Zuckerberg that she's not breaking up with him because he's a nerd, but because he's an asshole.

Me: "Right?! That's always the reason why we break up with someone."

Dad: "Men always think it's something else." (shakes head)

Another Night at Daly's Dive

I really hate to keep giving Cousin Chris Daly any more ink than he's already getting, but who am I kidding? Cuz was on the cover of the SF Weekly last week, a cover story that inspired a stiff drink called Captain Outrageous.

At the beginning of the night, PD and I met at Daly's Dive. It was her first time visiting what's become the bar of choice for all card-carrying members of the Hack Parade.

Cuz was showing the 2001 documentary See How They Run, shot during the Willie Brown-Tom Ammiano mayoral race in 1999. It was fun to see vintage footage of a (relatively) young Phil Matier, and the talented Savannah Blackwell.

Chris said he wanted to show the documentary because, "People forget. Even the people who were around back then forget."

Supervisor David Campos came in with former Supervisor Harry Britt, and I explained to PD and Campos that I was a sophomore at St. Ignatius when the documentary was shot, but I had little interest in local politics back then.

I also told them that one of the first places I ever logged onto the Internet was on Dad's computer at SFUSD, where he used to work as an accountant. Dad would pick me up at St. Gabriel after school (I was in seventh grade, I think) and I'd surf  Netscape after finishing my homework.

So I guess it's not that surprising that my first campaign job was . . . creating a website for an incumbent SF School Board member.

I told Campos that if he decides to run for mayor, he can borrow Kim-Shree's granddaughter, Marley, as a campaign prop:

I mean, Ross Mirkarimi already has his own baby as a prop, Bevan Dufty will be wheeling his daughter in a stroller until she's in college, so why can't Campos borrow a baby?

While enjoying our second round of Captain Outrageous and sharing a basket of $2 fries, the Red Baron himself approached our end of the bar.

Me: "Fancy meeting you here."

Red Baron: "Yeah."

Me: "Try not to pee on yourself this time."

Red Baron: (silence)

PD: (laughs uncontrollably)

PD and I cut out of Daly's to head to the Inner Sunset to meet Greg Dewar at the Blackthorn. (Via public transit, of course.) Greg is one of my favorite people in San Francisco (on and offline!), and we had a great time hanging out with him in his neighborhood.

Nerd tip: you should check out Greg's how-to guide to reading a campaign financial disclosure statement.

Family Biddness

After hanging out at the Blackthorn, I left to meet Miss Tangerine and Karen Babbitt at (where else?) Daly's Dive. As history has proven, something crazy usually happens when I decide to go back to Daly's.

But this blog is about people just doing what they do, regardless of sound advice and common sense.

Anyway, I was able to catch up with my fellow gonzo blogger, h. Brown, who I have taken to calling "Uncle h." (his children and grandchildren also call him "h."). h. is only a couple years older than Dad, so it makes sense.

Red Baron once told me that the reason moderates like me is the same reason they like h. Brown, because we're gadflies.

I didn't take this as an insult (although I don't interact with enough moderates to know if they collectively like me or not, and I don't stay up at night wondering why they do or don't like me). h. and I both make self-satisfied assholes feel uncomfortable by saying things to their faces what "polite" individuals only say behind their backs.

Having been through some (biological) family drama in the past couple months, I've come to the conclusion that you only get one life, and your life isn't meant to be comfortable.

A lot of individuals in the Hack Parade have deluded themselves with an ego and self-image that has no connection to reality. They do this to be comfortable with themselves and their actions.

My goal is to make these people feel uncomfortable, even if I come off as an asshole, a bitch, or a mean girl in the process. I don't respect these hacks, so I have no desire to earn their respect.

Frank always said it better.

Song: Switching up the format with "Hometown Glory" by my fellow St. Gabriel and St. Ignatius alum, local drag diva Honey Mahogany (yes, a drag queen who can sang!).

Honey Mahogany looks like Beyonce/Iman and sings like Amy Winehouse. Hit her up on Facebook for bookings and appearances.

Lyrics by Adele:

I’ve been walking in the same way as I did
Missing out the cracks in the pavement
And tutting my heel and strutting my feet
“Is there anything I can do for you dear? Is there anyone I can call?”
“No and thank you, please Madam. I ain’t lost, just wandering”

Round my hometown
Memories are fresh
Round my hometown
Ooh the people I’ve met
Are the wonders of my world
Are the wonders of my world
Are the wonders of this world
Are the wonders of my world

I like it in the city when the air is so thick and opaque
I love to see everybody in short skirts, shorts and shades
I like it in the city when two worlds collide
You get the people and the government
Everybody taking different sides

Shows that we ain’t gonna stand shit
Shows that we are united
Shows that we ain’t gonna take it
Shows that we ain’t gonna stand shit
Shows that we are united

Round my hometown
Memories are fresh
Round my hometown
Ooh the people I’ve met

Are the wonders of my world

Reblogging Willie Brown

Willie Brown talked about the Martin Luther King, Jr. breakfast in this week's column:

Everyone was trying to be Martin Luther King Jr. in their presentations, and most went too long. The only exception was Jerry Brown, who got up and said, "I don't have any notes. I couldn't read them anyway. And I certainly am not going to use a teleprompter because I don't really know how that thing works."

Does this mean that Willie Brown AND Jerry Brown are blind? I knew they were both old, but I had no idea they were both blind.

Matier and Ross also wrote about Jerry Brown's speech:

"People have good reasons to think I'm kind of different," Brown told the audience. "There I was one month with Linda Ronstadt in Africa. The next month I'm in India with Mother Theresa."

I'm not impressed. What famous people have you hung out with this decade, Jerry Brown? Are you rolling with Mark Cuban and Steve Wozniak? Because I have friends who do. Time to update up your name-dropping Rolodex, Guv.

Then Willie talked about how Mayor Ed Lee is all about Supervisor John Avalos' local hire ordinance:

[Ed] Lee was very forceful, however, at the local annual Martin Luther King Jr. labor breakfast that we attended together, telling the trade unions that implementing Supervisor John Avalos' "local hire" ordinance was going to be one of his top priorities.

You have to understand that many of these building cats live in Petaluma or Novato or San Carlos, and they were not happy to hear what Ed was saying.

Wait a minute, Willie Brown. Are you saying that there are people making big decisions regarding the future of San Francisco who . . . don't actually live in San Francisco?!

Next thing, you'll be telling me that these cats pretend to be single and have homes in SF, away from their wives and children, where they are free to party with other "married" cats who don't live with their wives and children. Because that would shock me.

In an attempt to tell his readers that he is, in fact, one of us, Willie Brown admits to falling behind on a credit card payment:

Word to the wise: Pay your credit cards online. The old mail-ins could take time beyond the due date and can cost you in penalties and interest. I know, it just happened to me.

And all of those stamps do cost money, people.

Speaking of stamps...

Last week I came across a story in the SF Appeal (you should subscribe to their email newsletter! I did last week and it's amazing) by Chris Roberts with the title "Mailer Maven Jim Stearns' Firm Rakes In Over $2 Million In 2010":

Much of Stearns's haul came from labor, which spent massively to defeat pension reform measure Proposition B. Just over $1 million went through Stearns's operation to the No on B campaign, records show.

This is not to say that, somewhere, Stearns or anyone else is sitting on $2 million. Running a campaign is expensive, and one of Stearns's specialties -- direct mail -- is particularly expensive. Much of what Stearns took in went straight to the United States Postal Service, but it's also not as if Stearns's people -- which includes David Noyola, a former City Hall aide to David Chiu and Aaron Peskin, and Kevin Yee, the son of longtime Stearns client and mayoral contender Leland Yee -- are subsisting on off-brand cereal for dinner (like some people we are know).

I read the last paragraph aloud to Kim-Shree Maufas and Glenn Davis and Kim-Shree was like: "Ooh, that paragraph is all kinds of nasty!" (Full disclosure: the Re-Elect KIm-Shree Maufas campaign worked with Stearns in 2010.)

Nobody from Stearns Consulting would speak on the record, but it's a generally-accepted industrywide standard that between 15 and 20 percent of what a consultant is paid stays "in-house" -- to pay people, keep the lights on, etc.

"That's a good amount -- that's a lot of money," said former supervisor Chris Daly, who worked with Stearns "a few times" during his political career. "It was a big year for [Stearns]."

Two million dollars is not a lot of money, Cousin Chris Daly. But I'm less interested in how much a consultant makes, and more interested in a consultant's track record (W-L, if you will) and how he/she spends the money.

Yes, campaigns cost money. But Stearns only represents the top 1% and everybody else is making pennies.

The Hoff and I like to make fun of people we call "price screamers." Price screamers walk around a medium to high end store and say things like: "This is $200! This is $400!"

Funky Spunk

On Friday night, I joined Miss Tangerine at the Boom Boom Room to watch her dance onstage with RonKat is KATDELIC.

If you're going to see Katdelic, you're guaranteed a good time. And a good value! I paid $15 to watch 11 performers, which is like $1.36/performer. If you haven't already seen them live, GO.

And if that wasn't enough incentive, I even witnessed some dude getting a handjob by some chick next to the bar. Which bumps the Boom Boom Room up to 5 stars.

While I was at the show, I ran into Mr. Michael O'Connor, co-owner of the Independent and the New Parish. He's also a SI grad and a candidate for D5 supervisor, which obviously means that I'm endorsing him.

Apologies in advance to the other five million D5 candidates who were planning to hit me up for my coveted endorsement but were too slow. Good luck representing D5 without it!

Hack Parade Quotes of Last Week

Another winning SFBG blog comment from Arthur Evans!

Who Will Provide New Leadership to Our Local Progressive Sect? They're in need of an infusion of intelligence and social skills. Who will provide these?

Bruce Brugmann?

David Campos?

Marc Salomon?

Monty Python?

Do they have anyone left in their ranks who can rise to the occasion?

Why isn't my name on the list, Arthur Evans? The answer is always Elaine Santore.

There's another kind of identity politics at play as well — that of native San Franciscans, who often express resentment at progressive newcomers talking about what kind of city this is, versus those who see San Francisco as a city of immigrants and ideas, a place being shaped by a wider constituency than the old-timers like to acknowledge. - SFBG, "SF's New Political Era"

Actually, we prefer the terminology "SF native." As one of these "old-timers," I find it kind of annoying that the SFBG is implying that SF natives don't come from immigrants (my mother came to America about three years before I was born), and I don't have ideas (um, why else am I involved in local politics? Certainly not for the money, because there is none).

My issue, and I am certainly not alone here, is that the wider constituency the SFBG is making reference to is one that tries really, really, really hard to come off as authentically San Franciscan and progressively "pure."

While we're over-generalizing here, I'm going to point out that this wider constituency is mostly white, over 30, and doesn't like kids. A lot of these folks don't like me because: a) I'm half white, but look mostly brown; b) I'm under 30; c) I like kids.

As with most major cities, people from all over come to SF to reinvent themselves. I have no problem with this, but I do have a problem with people feeling threatened when they come face-to-face with a native and get all defensive about their made-up version of SF.

Fairytales are fun, but the harsh reality is that these hacks are turning San Francisco into a city for the morally and financially bankrupt.

Song: "Free Man in Paris" by Joni Mitchell

The way I see it he said
You just can't win it
Everybody's in it for their own gain
You can't please 'em all
There's always somebody calling you down
I do my best
And I do good business
There's a lot of people asking for my time
They're trying to get ahead
They're trying to be a good friend of mine

I was a free man in Paris
I felt unfettered and alive
There was nobody calling me up for favors
And no one's future to decide
You know I'd go back there tomorrow
But for the work I've taken on
Stoking the star maker machinery
Behind the popular song

I deal in dreamers
And telephone screamers
Lately I wonder what I do it for
If l had my way
I'd just walk through those doors
And wander
Down the Champs Elysées
Going cafe to cabaret
Thinking how I'll feel when I find
That very good friend of mine

I was a free man in Paris
I felt unfettered and alive
Nobody was calling me up for favors
No one's future to decide
You know I'd go back there tomorrow
But for the work I've taken on
Stoking the star maker machinery
Behind the popular song

[About the title: the term reblog means "To blog something previously posted on another blog." It's a very common practice on Tumblr, which has a reblogging feature that allows people to re-post content from other blogs. My favorite reblog is Reblogging NonSociety, which has moved from WordPress to the self-hosted Get Off My Internets.]

When former Mayor Willie Brown started writing a weekly Sunday column for the Chronicle, Willie's World, more than one progressive I discussed it with had the idea to do a spoof blog in response.

Sadly, nobody wanted to put in the actual effort of reading Willie's column every week. Especially since his column is not available online until Tuesday.

Now that Willie Brown and Rose Pak have emerged victorious in City Hall, first by getting Supervisor Jane Kim elected, then getting Ed Lee appointed as interim mayor, I decided that the original unoriginal idea of Reblogging Willie Brown was in order.

In this Sunday's column, Willie Brown talked about the meeting that went down between himself, Gavin Newsom, and George Gascon at the Four Seasons.

"All week long I've been asked how I wound up at the Four Seasons with Gavin Newsom and George Gascon last Sunday, just before the outgoing mayor named Gascon district attorney.

Simple. Gavin invited me. As a result, I got the story firsthand about how the appointment came about."

Of course you were invited, Willie Brown. But did anything interesting or unusual happen besides Gascon suddenly becoming DA, despite the fact that he's never tried a case in his life?

“Gascon arrived and started lobbying for [Paul] Henderson, who was outgoing District Attorney Kamala Harris' pick.

Halfway through, Newsom asked if he was interested.

'Well, I'm here for Paul,' Gascon replied. 'I'm not a candidate.'

'You are now,' Newsom told him.”

Bo-ring. Too bad the Red Baron wasn't stinking up the Four Seasons (ie peeing on himself), because that would make the story worth reading. Moving along . . .

No, wait, there's this!

“And with that, only two details had to be worked out – assessing the odds of Gascon winning re-election and making sure Henderson was taking care of.”

OK, now I'm kind of intrigued. But what are Gascon's odds and how exactly will Gavin and George be “taking care of” Paul Henderson? Wouldn't taking care of Paul be giving him the DA position that Kamala Harris wanted him to have?

There must be some sort of double, triple, quadruple play in play.

I won't be surprised if George Gascon will to run for mayor next year instead of being re-elected to DA. Why?

Malcolm Gladwell has a theory in his book "Blink" about white men over six feet tall being hired to positions of authority:

"Have you ever wondered why so many mediocrities find their way into positions of authority in companies and organizations? It's because when it comes to even the most important positions, we think that our selection decisions are a good deal more rational than they actually are. We see a tall person, and we swoon."

In my experience, these tall white men turn out to be unqualified, incompetent assholes 90% of the time. But they're not threatening to the people in charge behind the scenes (usually somebody smarter, shorter, non-white and under six feet -  Rose Pak or Willie Brown, for example), so they  get promoted.

If the current trend in City Hall continues, the next mayor will be determined by Rose Pak and Willie Brown. The next mayor will have the following qualities:

1. White (or pale enough to pass for white)
2. A dude
   
3. Unqualified
4. Barely competent
5. Will do whatever Willie Brown and Rose Pak tell him to do
6. Six feet tall or over
   

One person I can think of who fits that bill is George Gascon.

Or should we call him Gaston?

Aside from the Gascon/Newsom/Brown meeting at the Four Seasons, Willie talks about Sarah Palin's response to the tragedy in Tucson.

“ . . . Palin's Facebook video pronouncement was really stupid, both in its timing – coming the day of Obama's Mourner-in-Chief speech – and in her reference to her critics' 'blood libel.'”

Hold up. Since when does Willie Brown watch videos on Facebook? Laughing at old people trying to talk about Facebook never gets old.

I watched about two minutes of the video but was quickly distracted by all of the wackadoodles leaving comments. I'll take Willie's word for it.

As usual, Willie provided his fans with some current movie reviews. (Because having a cameo in The Godfather: Part III does qualify him to opine on such things.)

“'Blue Valentine.' A near-pornographic depiction of a dysfunctional couple's relationship in Brooklyn. Not exactly everyone's cup of tea.

For me, the most interesting thing about the movie was the audience. There were about 50 people there for the midday show, and two-thirds of them were women.”

Since I haven't seen "Blue Valentine," I'm not going to get into all the controversy surrounding the film's initial NC-17 rating. (Although reading about it inspired me to watch “This Film Is Not Yet Rated” on Netflix, and so should you.)

What strikes me here is how Willie finds the mostly-female audience “interesting.” The concept of women watching something "near-pornographic" surprises him.

You got a problem with women watching porn, Willie Brown? Because I don't have a problem with you ogling and propositioning women in public.

Hack Parade Quotes of Last Week:

“Chris Daly has gone into exile and will devote all his energy to the true love of his life, alcohol.” - Arthur Evans on the Bay Guardian Politics Blog.

Since when has being a drunk been a negative in SF politics, Arthur Evans? If you cannot get drunk with the best of them, you're not going to make it to the varsity level of SF politics. Consider yourself banished to the frosh/soph, JV team well into your senior year.

How do I know this? Because I have gotten drunk with the best of them (the best parties weren't documented online, and did not come from a Facebook invite).

I've been out-partied many times by Cousin Chris despite the fact that he's ten years older than me. I'm convinced that his ability to party harder than anybody else has been the key to his longevity.

“It was the elephant in the room," Campos said. "It needed to be said, not only to the city, but a lot of progressives needed to hear that, too. They need a dose of reality.” - Supervisor David Campos to CW Nevius.

Progressives have needed more than the recommended dose of reality for as long as I've been around, which is not very long.

Campos is taking the initiative here out of necessity, and he's a hard worker and a great supervisor, but I don't know if he'll be getting much help.

We'd all like to see some sort of “Progressive Movement” come into prominence on the local level, but movements require work, consensus, resources, and infrastructure.

Progressives are not interested in working towards any kind of movement or consensus because: a) they don't like working; b) they really, really don't like working with each other.

It's all an echo chamber of Lots of White Liberals Sitting Around Talking.

Song: "Raised on Robbery" by Joni Mitchell

He was sitting in the lounge of the Empire Hotel
He was drinking for diversion
He was thinking for himself
A little money riding on the Maple Leafs
Along comes a lady in lacy sleeves
She says let me sit down
You know, drinkin' alone's a shame
It's a shame it's a crying shame
Look at those jokers
Glued to that damn hockey game
Hey honey-you've got lots of cash
Bring us round a bottle
And we'll have some laughs
Gin's what I'm drinking
I was raised on robbery

I'm a pretty good cook
I'm sitting on my groceries
Come up to my kitchen
I'll show you my best recipe
I try and I try but I can't save a cent
I'm up after midnight cooking
Trying to make my rent
I'm rough but I'm pleasin'
I was raised on robbery

We had a little money once
They were pushing through a four lane highway
Government gave us three thousand dollars
You should have seen it fly away
First he bought a '57 Biscayne
He put it in the ditch
He drunk up all the rest
That son of a bitch
His blood's bad whiskey
I was raised on robbery

You know you ain't bad looking
I like the way you hold your drinks
Come home with me honey
I ain't asking for no full length mink
Hey, where you going
Don't go yet
Your glass ain't empty and we just met
You're mean when you're loaded
I was raised on robbery

Visiting Cousin Chris at Daly's Dive

[Disclaimer: this post was written before the events of January 4, 2011. My opinion on the quote that inspired a thousand tweets and memes can be found here. I don't need to comment any further on that foolishness; silence seems to be more effective, anyway. For more in-depth analysis on the Daly, David Chiu and Ed Lee saga, read Greg Dewar and Bob Brigham.]

“I'm proud of you, Cousin Chris. I feel like a mother watching her toddler do a keg stand for the first time.” - Me

On Tuesday, December 29, Miss Tangerine and I attended the opening of Daly's Dive, which is currently named Buck Tavern. Maybe there are about three people in San Francisco politics who haven't heard about it.

There are no jokes left to tell about Daly's Dive. San Francisco's political scene of activists, macktivists, hangers-on, party hacks, consultants, media douchebags, lobbyists, and groupies still dreaming of Gonzalez's Ladder to a Progressive Heaven - a collection of people I lovingly refer to as The Hack Parade - are not in on the joke. The joke is always on them.

Daly's Dive is the kind of place a young woman goes when she's in the mood to pay for her own drinks. The dress code, as with most progressive establishments and events, calls for last night's outfit and the scent of failure.

I wore a raspberry beret, the kind that you find at a second-hand store. I also wore one of my signature scents, Coco by Chanel (not to be confused with Coco Mademoiselle – I'm not in homeroom). I alternate between Coco and Fracas by Piguet because they smell old and rich, which is exactly how I'm going to die.

As always, I wore my black  Frye boots, which have gotten me in and out of a lot of trouble in the past five years. I am ready to use my boots as a weapon at a moment's notice, so long as there's some gutter trash dumb enough to pick a fight with me, and an alley to get the job done.

I hugged co-owner Ted Strawser and said, “I came here to get paddled.”

Ted Strawser, in case you didn't already know, is the shit. As one of my gal pals once said: “Ted Strawser is what Steve Jones would be if he was cool and hot.” For real. (Not offense to Mr. Jones, of course.)

And I don't want to keep Cousin Chris out of the lovefest, so I will add that Chris Daly is pretty cool, too. Last year he gave me this for my birthday:

I chatted with Paul Hogarth about the possibility of starting a band called Drag Queen Roommate, with him on piano and me on vocals and tambourine. Our set would include a stirring rendition of “I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues” by Elton John.

Hogarth said that he doesn't like Sir Elton right now because Elton doesn't believe in gay marriage, just civil unions. And because Elton performed a Rush Limbaugh's wedding.

All I have to say about the Limbaugh thing is: lacefronts and Versace suits cost a lot of money. As Sheree Whitfield would say, Sir Elton is “a grown-ass woman with grown-ass bills.” And I have a "real" cousin who was named after Elton, so I still love him despite these glaring errors in judgment.

After catching up with some other folks I hadn't seen a long time (including Linda Post) Miss Tangerine and I headed over to Spruce for dinner with the Corsican Ogre, the Facilitator, and the Hat.

“I looked around the bar and said to myself, 'Wow, these are the people who are living off my taxes.'” - The Corsican Ogre

After a lovely dinner at Spruce, we returned to Daly's Dive, where I ran into the biggest mistake of 2010: the Red Baron.

The Red Baron was sitting in a corner with someone slightly more important than himself, hoping that I would acknowledge him in front of said important person.

I approached his friend and introduced her to one of my bodyguards for the night, the Corsican Ogre. The Red Baron waited patiently for me to acknowledge him. But I walked away.

In a world of constant updates and oversharing, never underestimate the impact of a well-executed snub. For serious offenses, you can snub someone for up to two years until the person grovels and kisses your ass enough to earn a hello.

Two years of silence is my rule of thumb, and I recommend it to all political ladies who find themselves entangled with beta males and bottom-feeders.

Our crew ordered drinks from Cousin Chris at the bar, which we received in plastic cups that were not Schott Zwiesel.

Then the Corsican Ogre approached the Artful Dodger. The Artful Dodger was busy chatting up a blond who looked young enough to be his great-granddaughter.

As my late Great-Grandma Bigsbee, wife of Justice of the Peace George Bigsbee of Guilderland, New York, used to say: “No fool like an old fool.”

The Corsican Ogre: “Are you English?”

The Artful Dodger: “Yes, I am. How could you tell?”

The Corsican Ogre: “I went to Oxford.”

(The Artful Dodger panics, exits stage left for reasons unknown.)

On the other side of the room, the Red Baron decided that this was right time to avenge my snub. So he darted over to the bar and bumped the Facilitator's elbow, causing the Facilitator to spill Stella Artois on Miss Tangerine's boots.

The Red Baron (getting all up in my Kool-Aid): “What was that about over there?”

Miss Santore: “I don't know what you're talking about. There's no problem here.”

Seriously, there was no problem. When an individual no longer exists in your universe, that person longer poses a problem.

The Corsican Ogre (to the Red Baron): “Do you know what a rapist is?”

The Red Baron (pretending to be an alpha male): “Yes, I know what a rapist is.”

The Corsican Ogre: “Elaine is like a little sister to me, man. Where do you go off calling her a rapist?”

The Red Baron: “Do you want to take this outside?”

(The two men exit stage left, with the Facilitator and the Hat in tow.)

(Off-stage: The Corsican Ogre and the Red Baron have a stare-down in front of the bar, which results in the Red Baron pissing himself. Literally.)

When the men returned to Daly's Dive, the Red Baron stared at our crew from across the room for what seemed like hours, waiting for the Corsican Ogre to approach him again.

Defeated, the Red Baron and his friend left the scene. I'm sure he came to the realization that there's only room for one asshole inside of Daly's Dive, and that's Chris Daly.

Song: "People's Parties" by Joni Mitchell

All the people at this party
They've got a lot of style
They've got stamps of many countries
They've got passport smiles
Some are friendly
Some are cutting
Some are watching it from the wings
Some are standing in the center
Giving to get something

Photo beauty gets attention
Then her eye paint's running down
She's got a rose in her teeth
And a lampshade crown
One minute she's so happy
Then she's crying on someone's knee
Saying laughing and crying
You know it's the same release

I told you when I met you
I was crazy
Cry for us all beauty
Cry for Eddie in the corner
Thinking he's nobody
And Jack behind his joker
And stone-cold Grace behind her fan
And me in my frightened silence
Thinking I don't understand

I feel like I'm sleeping
Can you wake me
You seem to have a broader sensibility
I'm just living on nerves and feelings
With a weak and a lazy mind
And coming to peoples parties
Fumbling deaf dumb and blind

I wish I had more sense of humor
Keeping the sadness at bay
Throwing the lightness on these things
Laughing it all away
Laughing it all away
Laughing it all away

“For a Reason, for a season, for a lifetime”

About a year ago, I found myself at a political crossroads. I was concerned about my political legacy (I know, I know, I’m only 28 but I AM concerned about that kind of thing), and what people would remember me by if I walked away from politics for good.

My worry was that I would only ever be known for being snarky, cute, and not having any talent beyond writing witty snippets, and posing for photos at events of no value beyond the small universe of people I was writing about. So I joined some progressive campaigns with the intent of being proactive in my activism as opposed to just judging from the sidelines.

The results were mixed. The first two campaigns left me feeling like I wasn’t serving anyone other than myself, or maybe one other person other than the candidate. I walked away with much guilt but an overall sense of relief.

In July, I found a day job and was perfectly content to be a normal girl with a normal job. Until Glenn Davis sent me a Facebook message asking me if I was interested in doing social media for School Board Commissioner Kim-Shree Maufas.

Granted, I did not know Kim-Shree before this, aside from seeing her at events, and stories I heard from mutual friends and negative press from the Chronicle. I knew Glenn from a previous campaign and I’d appeared on his show twice.

I took the job because I saw it as a great opportunity to gain experience in a city-wide campaign for an incumbent, which is much easier than working on a district campaign. As someone concerned with electing women of color and progressives into public office, I knew my job was important, but I mostly saw it as just a job.

Over the next couple months, I started to realize that it was more than a job. Yes, it was nice to get paid, because there’s nothing dignified about being broke and living off Other People’s Money (OPM) and/or the Non-Profit Political Complex if you can help it (sorry, progressives, but it’s true). I felt part of a bigger picture.

I could feel myself shifting priorities. Instead of feeling guilty about not attending yet another political event from Facebook, I told myself: “My time, energy, and resources are too valuable. If I insist on being ‘tardy for the party,’ I’m going to be tardy for my career.”

So I stayed home and focused on the task at hand. We had a great team and cohesive unit that started with our Campaign Director, Glenn Davis. We also had a great candidate who, despite limited resources and negative press, was still putting in the work required of her position.

Kim-Shree received very little support from the "progressive machine" she was accused of being associated with. Many of her close allies, friends, and colleagues turned their backs on her, which would have angered me if it wasn't all so predictable.

I used my tools and instincts to craft a social media strategy that was engaging and effective without being exhausting and obnoxious to the electorate. Although she was running in a competitive race, Glenn’s messaging was positive but direct.

I took the experience I learned from the other two campaigns and altered it significantly for Kim-Shree. It was a much more personable approach, because Kim-Shree is very hands-on and open to social media. Since our team was so small, I had more freedom to implement ideas that were cost-effective and easy for everyone to learn.

I am proud but humbled by the results of November 2, 2010. Kim-Shree will be inaugurated on my birthday, January 7, adding another reason for me to celebrate.

Transparency and Open Government

I decided to shift my career focus from journalism to local politics I believe in social media as a means of putting the public back into public policy. Social media provides a medium for elected officials to communicate with constituents, and allows community members to hold their representatives accountable.

However, I don’t think it’s a medium for expressing passive-aggression towards colleagues (Cousin Chris comes to mind), oversharing for the sake of oversharing (aka Eric Mar/Supervisor Facebook), or a primary source of “breaking news” for bloggers and journalists (every publication in town is guilty to some degree).

Look to Brazil as an example: JWT cited their “online town halls and crowd-sourced legislative consulting” as one reason why Brazil will emerge as a E-Leader in 2011.

Some Life Lessons and Final Thoughts: Real Talk

I learned some serious life lessons during this election cycle. The first is not new to anyone in the know:

#1 There is no sisterhood in progressive politics. It’s the sisterhood of the traveling panties all over San Francisco, dropped for whichever alpha male might help advance one’s personal agenda.

There is no “good ole girls” club because every progressive woman wants to be the Queen Bee. There have been some positive changes over the years, but this has been the case as long as I’ve been in the game. I’m not saying I’m innocent; I’m just stating the reality. There will be more on this topic in later posts.

The second came as a surprise to me:

#2 This is the end of IRV.

As a Green, nobody’s more upset about this than yours truly.

The third might be a bit dramatic:

#3 Aaron Peskin is fading fast into the rear-view.

Don’t cry for him, San Francisco. He’s still making plenty of money off Indian casinos, and will be ambling around drunk in broad daylight on the streets of North Beach for generations to come. He might even stage a comeback. But keep your eyes on the 100 feet in front of you…

My Birthday Gift to Myself

The title track off the album that inspired the blog name. I love this album more than words can describe. This is the blog I've always wanted to write, and I couldn't think of a better way to celebrate my 28th birthday.

There are so many tracks on Court and Spark that sum up my experience in San Francisco politics and my adult life in general, like “People’s Parties,” “Free Man in Paris,” “Help Me,” and “Same Situation.” There is also a Bay Area connection with the song, with the reference to People’s Park in Berkeley. And my father moved to San Francisco the same year the album was released, in 1974.

I’ll be posting a song from the album with each entry, more often then not tying the theme of the blog to the song and giving a personal story or anecdote about which memories each song triggers in my mind.

Court and Spark has inspired me in so many ways over the years, and I hope it can do the same for you.